Con la Palabra en la Boca

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like you're invisible? Like nothing you say or do really matters at all? Like you're just a decorative ornament for people to look at? No reason to speak, live or feel.

It's bad enough when you have a severe inferiority complex that you need people actually telling you to shut up until they're finished talking. Since I woke up this morning I haven't really been able to say much, I got up, we were running late, my only words in the car were "I don't think we'll take that long to get there" and putting up with my mother's inane ramblings. After arriving at the university just 5 minutes late, going to class was no big deal. You try analyzing yourself, trying to make the most out of a rushed morning, but there's always ONE person that will not notice the effort you're making and just FUCKS you to no end with endless analyzing and just freaking guessing what could be wrong with you, going over that very fine line that there is between worry and just "metimiento".

No, I'm not talking about my mother, I'm talking about her best friend. We almost always go together to have breakfast, and sure, we know she's got a stick up her ass and believes she's "all that and a bag of chips" but today that was supersized to the extreme. An endless supply of never-ending shit was purring out of her mouth like there was no tomorrow, I hate that, it irks me, it fucking pisses me off! So I'm forced to just keep my trap shut while the bitch keeps putting on airs about her life, how perfect she is and how everybody else is wrong. Just once, ONCE, I tried to tell my mother a rather important comment and that BITCH had the gall to tell me "A bup bup bup Deja que alguien mas hable tambien, que nadie me deja hablar, me siguen interrumpiendo. Cuando termine, di lo que quieras." Obviously I didn't talk at all, I refused to; maybe she got a hostility vibe from me, but she'd be an idiot to not have noticed.

I figure that the only place where I could actually open my mouth was during Ellis' class, which was surprisingly not boring and actually quite fun. After class, I just returned to my "cone of silence", I used my free hours to go talk with my Russian professor, one of the three people that were actually interested about what I had to say. After clearing stuff up with her, I went to the office to "drop" my tentative Japanese course and speak with the interim director. My haven is definitely that department, I feel like I'm somebody that actually matters when I'm there, it's beautifully therapeutic. He kept me waiting for almost half an hour, but I know he was very busy and has his own problems as well, so the wait was no bother. He dedicated what little time he had for me and I greatly appreciated it, he even told me to come by his office tomorrow so he could help me even more (if that were even possible). That was person number zwei to worry and care about me.

During the course of the day I tried calling my shista on numerous occasions after not having been able to talk to her yesterday nor the day before. I must've dialed over 20 times in the span of 6 hours and I've yet to reach her, but I guess she must be busy with her own ongoings. Nobody actually called me nor texted me, which actually (very infantile on my part) made me wonder if my phone was working; sadly it was. Leave a message after the tone, I couldn't even get ahold of my mother.

Russian went by, like usual...Having to put up with other stuck up people, but dealing with it by ignoring them. After class I waited an hour and a half for Italian, finished a composition and sat there like an idiot because the professor didn't teach because he was repeating the first test for some students, so I could have gone to my house at 4:30pm after Russian, but didn't. The Italian professor was the last and only person who let me speak and cared about what I had to say.

When my parents picked me up, miracle of miracles, I was allowed to talk about my day. But then halfway through my talking they decided to start interrupting me by talking about gasoline. I just refused to keep talking, if that was more important; far be it from me to interrupt such a highly important discussion, I wasn't aware the car replaced me in the family. Once home, I tried to resume talking but was once again interrupted, this time because of fucking lightbulbs. When I was trying to have a peaceful meal (Alone because God-forbid they'd sit next to me to at least keep me company) my parents were having a fight over where they left the effin' lightbulbs. With my dad ranting and saying he brought them home, that he's not crazy, he knows there here and my mother going on and on over how she doesn't remember him coming out of the store with them. They just kept making me go over the edge, my dad anxious and didn't even realized it and my mother bitching about how he's let the situation at work take over his thinking.

They were near the point of crying (Seriously, over FUCKING 10$ Lightbulbs!?!?) Okay, it's not the lightbulbs; it's the underlying message, my parent's work related stress taking over their lives. But if I'm eating, alone, haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours...wouldn't you think that the least they could do is let me eat in peace, as I do for them? No, they didn't and I threw my food away, I couldn't stomach it. At one point I tried to speak, and they just interrupted me ONCE AGAIN with jokes between them. Then my mom talked about how she knows we're all stressed and how she carries with OUR stress and her's and we don't even know half of what SHE goes through. PLEASE, THEY don't know what I'm going through, and I am NOT going to tell them, because sadly, that's our family; everybody stressed, nobody sharing why because it's just a competition "Who's the most stressed?"

I went upstairs to cry, I couldn't hold my tears back- I was an emotional wreck. I wondered why it was so late and nobody even bothered to worry, is she okay? Nobody even called me. When I got the nerve to actually call mommy to ask her how she was and ask why she hadn't had the time to call me (as she usually does) I figured she was doing a lot of homework and obviously hadn't had time for me. Finding out the reason as to why she didn't call me...really hurt me so much, that it really made me burst into tears once again.

For my emotional sake, I'll pretend that everything in between my day of classes never even happened.

Roses all Around...

Today has been such a confusing day filled to the brim with sadness. I learned today that a family member I loved so much, died a month ago...I had been thinking about him and the family so much last month that I would've never guessed that he was already gone, departed from this world. I cried and have been crying for the past 3 hours since the phone call.

Up until I was 16, my family was only my mother, father and grandmother; when we went on vacation, we found the family my mother had been looking for for the past 2 years. We met up with Randy, Nancy, Ben (may he rest in peace)and their lovely families that welcomed these "outsiders" with open arms and let us join them. For that, I am always thankful...

I never knew the love of a family until I met them. I believe that when we all met for the first time, it was at Randy's house in Lancaster; on the following trip, we flew to New Jersey. In New Jersey, the day we were going to fly back to Puerto Rico, we met Benjamin and Nancy. I was kind of scared, I'm not big on going to houses of people I don't know. From the moment we stepped out of the car, I felt just...love rushing through my body. Ben had prepared what I believe to be, the most delicious meal I have ever eaten in my life hehehe the only beans I ever really liked.

I absolutely fell in love with all of them: Nancy, scared me so much and she was so much like my mother (that was freaky enough) but I love her; Jasmine, an only child so of course we got along ^_^ and Ben...teasing me to no end, making fun of me and making me laugh like I hadn't ever before. We left the states with a heavy feeling because we wanted to spend more time with them, but they gave us such a beautiful last night, one that I will treasure for always. Then Nancy and Ben came to visit us here in Puerto Rico, and we spent 2 really fun days together...Laughed, laughed and laughed and formed a strong bond...

These news saddened me a great deal, I'm not one to really shed tears when a person dies but this death, really took me by surprise. Last month I had been thinking about him so much, laughing as I remembered how he made fun of my dislike of vegetables, when the pigeon pooped on my shirt and he told me it was a blessing (yet he STILL laughed at me ^^) when we finished eating and he threw himself on my back and told me to carry him to the car...

February has been the month of the roses, for many reasons which I won't go into right now...

I keep hoping that this is all somehow just an awful nightmare and that I'll wake up, thinking he's still alive.

Rest in peace Benjamin, if I had the opportunity to carry you to the car again; I would do it in a heartbeat. My condolences to all the people whose lives he touched and all his and our family members.

The Domestic F*cker Family

Title courtesy of Dir en grey and my random player, the ideal title for my day...

Today has been one of those days, one of those where you swear life will be going hand in hand with you and not betray you, only to have it suddenly stop and kick you from behind. It's been one of those days where you seem to just be in everybody's way and you seem to just want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

You wake up with a positive attitude just to get slapped in the face by the cold, harsh hand of...whatever you can think of.

I woke up actually eager to go to my classes, I got my things ready, dressed myself and whatnot. Today's my mother's birthday, she kinda dressed up to go to work and my dad just basically raved and raved over how fantastic she looked. I also tried to give that effort and in short, received a: "yeah, the hair came out nice" My mother and I have to go to the university together because we both go to the same class, so my mother is basically dilly-dawdling and finally goes to the car; I come back upstairs to get my Italian dictionary and my dad just starts hollering at me to hurry up because mom is going to get there late. He yells at me, makes me feel bad, leaves me crying and he didn't eve say good bye but he did to her. So I'm crying in the car, not to her, but to myself and mom just...blames me, says well it's your own fault.

Let's leave them at that...

I went to mom's class, can't say it was great (I was falling asleep) and later went to have breakfast with her and Frances. I ate 3 honey biscuits, that went down an awful bad road because I felt sick all day long and still do. At 10:30am I had John Ellis' class, it was actually interesting and I had a lot of fun. I went on to go have lunch with Susana where we talked about "de todo un poco" and then came back to the university. I spent an hour and a half basically feeling down and depressed and hoped to talk to my shistas, but they were both busy...

While waiting for Russian class to begin, I went online and received an e-mail from cdjapan and it mentioned a whole new Dir en grey 2 DVD+1CD Set from the 2008 tour Rose Trims Again. Russian began and it was interesting, easy and very nice. Apart from this science guy that just sorta creeps everything out of me and keeps trying to...>.> I don't know what, kept me for like 20 minutes just boasting about himself, hoping to impress me. Yeah, I got news for you, that will NEVER win me over - -;;

I spent yet another lonely hour hoping somebody, not going to say who, to call me back and keep me company until Italian began; sadly, nobody did. When I was alone in the classroom, the excitement that I was apparently storing up from the big news about the Dir en grey Set kinda...exploded. I was hyper, actually happy, jumpy and very very excited (Just ask the girl that was sitting next to me...I passed on my excitement to her) At one point I reached total exhaustion and fell into a deep sleep during class, so I went outside to buy myself a Snickers bar.

My parents came by to pick me up once the class was over, they payed more attention to Jomarie than they did to me. Once in the car, I guess my dad kinda tried to get back on my good side, but I'm afraid he took a bit too long to do so and I was just no longer caring. They asked me about Ellis' class and I was trying to talk to them about it, but they just either ignored me or interrupted me every few words...

I arrived home and I can honestly say that I am in no mood to handle people right now, I spent a lovely weekend and Monday came along to screw me and said happiness...