Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like you're invisible? Like nothing you say or do really matters at all? Like you're just a decorative ornament for people to look at? No reason to speak, live or feel.
It's bad enough when you have a severe inferiority complex that you need people actually telling you to shut up until they're finished talking. Since I woke up this morning I haven't really been able to say much, I got up, we were running late, my only words in the car were "I don't think we'll take that long to get there" and putting up with my mother's inane ramblings. After arriving at the university just 5 minutes late, going to class was no big deal. You try analyzing yourself, trying to make the most out of a rushed morning, but there's always ONE person that will not notice the effort you're making and just FUCKS you to no end with endless analyzing and just freaking guessing what could be wrong with you, going over that very fine line that there is between worry and just "metimiento".
No, I'm not talking about my mother, I'm talking about her best friend. We almost always go together to have breakfast, and sure, we know she's got a stick up her ass and believes she's "all that and a bag of chips" but today that was supersized to the extreme. An endless supply of never-ending shit was purring out of her mouth like there was no tomorrow, I hate that, it irks me, it fucking pisses me off! So I'm forced to just keep my trap shut while the bitch keeps putting on airs about her life, how perfect she is and how everybody else is wrong. Just once, ONCE, I tried to tell my mother a rather important comment and that BITCH had the gall to tell me "A bup bup bup Deja que alguien mas hable tambien, que nadie me deja hablar, me siguen interrumpiendo. Cuando termine, di lo que quieras." Obviously I didn't talk at all, I refused to; maybe she got a hostility vibe from me, but she'd be an idiot to not have noticed.
I figure that the only place where I could actually open my mouth was during Ellis' class, which was surprisingly not boring and actually quite fun. After class, I just returned to my "cone of silence", I used my free hours to go talk with my Russian professor, one of the three people that were actually interested about what I had to say. After clearing stuff up with her, I went to the office to "drop" my tentative Japanese course and speak with the interim director. My haven is definitely that department, I feel like I'm somebody that actually matters when I'm there, it's beautifully therapeutic. He kept me waiting for almost half an hour, but I know he was very busy and has his own problems as well, so the wait was no bother. He dedicated what little time he had for me and I greatly appreciated it, he even told me to come by his office tomorrow so he could help me even more (if that were even possible). That was person number zwei to worry and care about me.
During the course of the day I tried calling my shista on numerous occasions after not having been able to talk to her yesterday nor the day before. I must've dialed over 20 times in the span of 6 hours and I've yet to reach her, but I guess she must be busy with her own ongoings. Nobody actually called me nor texted me, which actually (very infantile on my part) made me wonder if my phone was working; sadly it was. Leave a message after the tone, I couldn't even get ahold of my mother.
Russian went by, like usual...Having to put up with other stuck up people, but dealing with it by ignoring them. After class I waited an hour and a half for Italian, finished a composition and sat there like an idiot because the professor didn't teach because he was repeating the first test for some students, so I could have gone to my house at 4:30pm after Russian, but didn't. The Italian professor was the last and only person who let me speak and cared about what I had to say.
When my parents picked me up, miracle of miracles, I was allowed to talk about my day. But then halfway through my talking they decided to start interrupting me by talking about gasoline. I just refused to keep talking, if that was more important; far be it from me to interrupt such a highly important discussion, I wasn't aware the car replaced me in the family. Once home, I tried to resume talking but was once again interrupted, this time because of fucking lightbulbs. When I was trying to have a peaceful meal (Alone because God-forbid they'd sit next to me to at least keep me company) my parents were having a fight over where they left the effin' lightbulbs. With my dad ranting and saying he brought them home, that he's not crazy, he knows there here and my mother going on and on over how she doesn't remember him coming out of the store with them. They just kept making me go over the edge, my dad anxious and didn't even realized it and my mother bitching about how he's let the situation at work take over his thinking.
They were near the point of crying (Seriously, over FUCKING 10$ Lightbulbs!?!?) Okay, it's not the lightbulbs; it's the underlying message, my parent's work related stress taking over their lives. But if I'm eating, alone, haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours...wouldn't you think that the least they could do is let me eat in peace, as I do for them? No, they didn't and I threw my food away, I couldn't stomach it. At one point I tried to speak, and they just interrupted me ONCE AGAIN with jokes between them. Then my mom talked about how she knows we're all stressed and how she carries with OUR stress and her's and we don't even know half of what SHE goes through. PLEASE, THEY don't know what I'm going through, and I am NOT going to tell them, because sadly, that's our family; everybody stressed, nobody sharing why because it's just a competition "Who's the most stressed?"
I went upstairs to cry, I couldn't hold my tears back- I was an emotional wreck. I wondered why it was so late and nobody even bothered to worry, is she okay? Nobody even called me. When I got the nerve to actually call mommy to ask her how she was and ask why she hadn't had the time to call me (as she usually does) I figured she was doing a lot of homework and obviously hadn't had time for me. Finding out the reason as to why she didn't call me...really hurt me so much, that it really made me burst into tears once again.
For my emotional sake, I'll pretend that everything in between my day of classes never even happened.
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